


Say It First

by the_only_education_worth_having



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love Confessions, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 12:45:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13717959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_education_worth_having/pseuds/the_only_education_worth_having
Summary: Bucky has something to say. But he can't bring himself to.





	Say It First

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic: Say It First - Sam Smith

Bucky had never felt like this. Well, not in this lifetime. The emptiness that had filled his heart had just become second nature to him and when she came into his life he wasn’t sure what was happening. She burst into his life in a way he hadn’t seem coming. She seemed to just appear in his life one day as if she had been there forever when in reality it had only been 6 months. He had never had feelings like this towards anyone. She was a ray of sunshine and he was closer to her than to anyone on the compound. Well, Steve was, of course, closer to him but he didn’t really see him as a friend, Steve was family.

 _I never feel like this_  
I’m used to emptiness in my heart  
And in my arms

Once there were quite a few people living at the complex Tony had found it to be too chaotic and even though they had help, he had help in the form of Pepper, the needs of everyone seemed to be too big of a task and so he hired an assistant to help the Avengers. To the world she could be seen as a skivvy, a person to run about after them keeping them happy but in reality, she was much more than that. In reality, she was their nanny. You’d think keeping a group of adult superheroes out of trouble wouldn’t be hard but she had to work mercilessly every day to keep them all alive. 

From then she was just there. In his life, every day, a positive force making him get up and out and live a normal life – as well as balancing everyone else. That’s what worried him. He was sure that they were friends but him being an Avenger made him suspicious that she was only being nice to him because it was her job. 

 _You’re not what I‘m used to_  
You keep me guessin’ with things that you do  
I hope that they’re true

 Back in the day, he would never have had this problem. He’d become adept at making girls fall for him but he had never been interested in a relationship, it had been all about the chase for him and once he was done with it he left them, quickly moving on to the next one. However, the years as the Winter Soldier hadn’t exactly been about chasing tail and scoring dates and so he’d become rusty. Yet, this was different altogether. That’s not what he wanted from Y/N. It was something more. He didn’t know what exactly but something better.

 He just didn’t know how to tell her.

 She seemed to be in a different place in her life altogether. She ran at a different speed somehow, her life ebbing and flowing rapidly. Whilst his was stagnant – he did the same job day in, day out never moving out of the walls of the compound except for missions. There were so many things that made him doubt whether they could even fit together. 

But then there were the other things. The ways in which she was just right for him. The way she made him coffee every morning because she knew he was unable to tolerate people until at least 10am. How she made sure there was a hot shower ready for him when he was due back from a mission because it helped get rid of the dirt and blood that had clumped in his hair and the tension that had knotted through his back since he had left. The way she put old movies on when he was having a bad day because she knew that was the only way to make him feel better. Even the way she mercilessly bagged on him because she was one of the only people that didn’t feel the need to walk on eggshells around him. One of his favourite things though was the way she let him climb into her bed when his nightmares got too much. When all he could see was death and destruction she let him wrap his arms around her and feel nothing but her warmth engulf him so he could finally rest.

 _I think of you while I sleep,  
_ _I dream of what we could be if we grow,  
_ _Together unfold_  

It was doubts like this that kept him up at night. Which is how he found himself lay in bed staring at the ceiling at 12:30 am begging for sleep to take him. He’d gone to bed early in the hopes that he wouldn’t have to stew any longer if he were asleep. It didn’t help that Steve was well aware of his crush and so when Y/N had left for her date tonight he had done nothing but look at him with pity in his eyes, frowning at him for drowning his sorrow in beer.

Deciding he was never going to fall asleep he went back downstairs to the kitchen and pulled out another beer. The compound was empty now. Half of the members were on a mission at the moment and the ones that weren’t had rooms on the other side of the compound and so weren’t going to be disturbed by his presence in the kitchen. Not that he was much of a conversationalist all on his own anyway.

He hadn’t been there long when he heard movement through the house coming towards the kitchen. His senses were on red alert, though he knew it was only someone who lived here, his body was too well trained not to listen more carefully. The kitchen light flicked on and he watched from his place by the kitchen island as Y/N flounced into the room and went to the fridge, searching through it. She grabbed a bottle of water before turning around.

‘Oh my God,’ she gasped, as she almost dropped her water, ‘what are you doing here sat all alone in the dark?!’  
‘Couldn’t sleep.’  
‘How come this time?’ she asked tentatively, moving towards him and sitting down, reaching out to touch his metal arm gently.  
‘Just stuff.’  
‘Wanna talk about it?’ she asked with wide eyes as if begging him to tell her the truth. Like she knew. He wanted to, just to spill his guts to her and hope she’d just fall into his arms.

 _I think of you while I sleep,_  
I dream of what we could be if we grow,  
Together unfold

‘Nah,’ he said blowing it off, ‘it’s nothing. How was your date?’  
‘A disaster.’  
‘Really?’ he asked trying to not seem so happy about it.  
‘Yeah,’ she sighed, ‘he was just not nice. Too self-involved, too arrogant. I just didn’t like him.’  
‘Shame.’  
‘Not really. I mean I didn’t even want to go on this date. I’ve not wanted to go on half the dates I’ve been on since I got here but Nat’s got it into her head that it’s a shame for me to be young and single or at least young and not dating. I think she feels bad because nearly everyone’s coupled up.’  
‘You don’t like dating?’  
‘Not really. I like being in a relationship but dating’s a whole different ballgame. It’s just getting to know people until you find something you don’t like that puts you off. And everyone seems to have something to put me off at the minute. I guess my heads just not with it.’  
‘I know what you mean.’  
‘We’re you thinking of getting out onto the dating scene too?’ she asked in an airy tone though Bucky thought he might have seen a flicker of disappointment in her face.  
‘No. Definitely not. Dating’s not for me.’  
‘Oh. Why?’  
‘Well, who’s gonna want me. A messed up 90-year-old with one arm who can’t even sleep properly because it’s one of the ways he remembers all the atrocities he’s committed.’  
She looked at him heartbroken. For a minute he thought he saw pity but it wasn’t it was true heartbreak. Listening to him speak of himself in that way was actually heart-breaking.  
‘Oh Buck.’  
‘What?’  
‘You don’t honestly see yourself that way, do you?’  
‘What do you mean?’

‘That you’re some hardened criminal who doesn’t deserve anything good because if I have to physically knock some sense into you James Barnes don’t think I won’t. I mean Steve’s been training me,’ she chuckled, ‘You are amazingly kind and wonderful man. You’re thoughtful and I’ve never seen anyone care as much about your friends and family as much as you do. You prove that you’re so caring by the fact that you can’t sleep at night because of things that happened that were so out of your control. Those things that you were forced to do were not your fault. In my opinion, it wasn’t even you, that was the Winter Soldier, you’re not to blame believe me.’

‘Y/N.’

‘You’re incredibly interruptive. And witty and sarcastic. You’re not a morning person though you’re such a laugh in the morning with your messed-up hair and bleary eyes. You have such a good singing voice and you blush whenever anyone catches you. As for the one arm thing so what. You’re gorgeous no matter what and just because you’re missing something doesn’t diminish that fact.’

 _‘Cause I’m never gonna heal my past_  
If I run every time it starts  
So I need to know if I’m in this alone

She was staring at him now but he dropped his eyes from her face all of a sudden feeling guilty that she was being so kind to him when he didn’t deserve it.  
‘Buck, please don’t beat yourself up like that.’  
‘I’m not-’  
‘I know you too well, I know you’re thinking you don’t deserve it but you do. You so do. More than anyone I know. And all that stuff I said is true. It’s the way I see you.’  
‘Really?’ he said though his voice betrayed him and was barely more than a whisper.  
‘Yeah. Why else do you think I keep you in my life huh?’ she chuckled.

 _Come on baby, say it first_  
I need to hear you say those words,  
If I’m all that you desire, I promise there’ll be fire

Bucky knew this was it. Now or never he needed to tell her. But he still couldn’t, his voice was gone and the moment seemed to be fleeting past him.  
‘Well, it’s your job.’  
‘You’re really gonna make me say it huh?’ she asked with a smirk.  
Bucky’s heart sang at the look on her face and he couldn’t do anything but smile and nod.  
But she didn’t say anything, she didn’t do anything except lean forward and press a tender kiss into Bucky’s soft lips. Though it had been 60 plus years it was like riding a bike. He moved into action deepening the kiss allowing his hand to pull her head tenderly towards him. She pulled out of the kiss first much to Bucky’s dismay but she whispered.  
‘I love you, you dumb dork.’  
‘Really?  
‘Yeah.’  
‘I love you too. I just think I needed you to say it first.’

_I need to hear you say it first,  
_ _Come on baby, do your worst,  
_ _I know you’ll take me higher,  
_ _Come on darling,  
_ _If you love me, say it first._


End file.
